On the WWW, I discovered an extraordinary document called the "Kundalini Signs and Symptoms list" by El Collie on the Shared Transformation site.

I had never before encountered such a comprehensive list of K. symptoms. Previously, I had discounted my childhood psychic experiences, and dated my K. awakening back to an experience of going into the light, that occurred in 1990. The Signs and Symptoms list made me realize that I have been awakened all my life.

Next, I made an extraordinary discovery that really rocked my world! I was dumbfounded one day to recognize that submission to me was causing spontaneous Kundalini awakening, in my clients.

Finally I understood that when my clients told me my sessions were "unusually intense", it was not just roleplay flattery. They meant "Kundalini awakening intense". I'd had no idea. This did not seem consensual.

You may think, "unusually intense" means unusually sadistic.. not so, I was hearing this not just from the masochists, but from the cross dressers, the foot worshippers, the ponies and the puppies.

It is considered "bad form" to take the submissive flattery and adoration one gets as a Dominant, seriously. Believing your slave's adoration letters leads to a particular kind of swelled head and oversized ego that the scene refers to as "Top's disease".
    Keeping that hazard in mind, I never paid much attention to the compliments, until one day during a pre-session interview I asked my client how they had been, since the last session. They told me of their experiences, and I was astonished to recognize my client was giving me the "Kundalini Signs and Symptoms" list. It happened once, then again and again with other clients. My session had awakened them, and they were getting the symptoms.

Frankly, this was a horrifying discovery that I did not know what to do with.

I knew sometimes I seemed to have a "catalyst" effect on people and they would start making big changes in their lives as a result of spending "quality time" with me. This effect dates back much further than my coming out as a Domina. It was happening back in 1986, when I was a hair stylist.

Occasionally a client would land in my chair with a tale of woe, and I would get an impulse to teach them the "Grounding exercise".
    Some had forgotten it by the next haircut, others took the ball and ran with it, triggering huge changes in their lives. It had been happening with my friends and lovers, long before that. Being around me, they became psychic, too.

I didn't know it was the effect of my contagious Kundalini. That word was not part of my vocabulary, back then. I thought it was because I had so many past life memories of being a "Good Witch".

Turns out, they are the same. The magic in past lives was the effect of awakened Kundalini. I have always been awakened, all my life, and for many lives before this one. The energy was normal for me. I did not know it was not normal for other people. That it was the "intensity" my clients spoke of.

The horrifying realization that I was awakening my clients spelled the beginning of the end of my career as a "mainstream" Pro-Dom. Kundalini awakening had not been part of my Roleplay negotiations, and it seemed unfair to be Shaktipat contagious to my clients without asking consent, especially since Kundalini causes radical life changes. People suddenly start having visions and hearing voices, if they do not know the cause, often they assume they are going mad. Much of my work on-line is reassuring people who have become spontaneously awakened, that they are not going mad. If they embrace the process with understanding, it becomes a blissful wonder of astonishing growth.

I was in a quandary, a crisis of conscience that I did not know how to resolve. I loved my work, I did not want to give it up, but discovering I was awakening my clients blew all my good intentions about "safe, sane, consensual" right out the window.

I did not know what to do. Goddess handled it.

In the course of the next 6 months, I lost my home and playroom, because the house I was renting was sold and demolished. Not having a playroom, I lost my work. Switched my business line to a voice mail box and tried to sort myself out.

Being homeless, confused and having some $$ from the moving out settlement when my house was sold out from under me, I attempted to go on a vision quest to the New Age mecca of California to visit some SM oriented, awakened friends. Hoping they could help me understand what was going on.

It was not to be.. I got stopped by the Border Guards...harassed for my toy bag and sexual orientation. Accused of being a prostitute, purveyor of unknown vices, illegal alien and unskilled laborer. I lost my freedom to travel.
    (I challenged the harassment and won! Ha! All charges were dropped, but the process took 2 years)

The day I lost my temper at the border and asked for a hearing, one of my most beloved slaves died in an accident. This triggered a profound ego death experience within me, I re-experienced my own birth, death and rebirth. The process was incomplete, and in turn it caused an "accidental" back injury a few weeks later, that left me immobile for many months.
   One of my slaves took me in when I lost my home, it was intended to be a temporary arrangement.. Goddess had other ideas. That wonderful man is now my beloved husband as well as my slave.

I took an 18 month sabbatical from working as a Pro-Dom to sort myself out. I devoted my energy to my own growth, to understanding why Shaktipat is so powerfully enhanced by BDSM roleplay. I enjoyed tending to my email lists, counselling and advising other awakened people, and playing with my personal slaves.

In the course of those 18 months research and meditation, I found a wealth of commonality between my spirituality and my Dominance, best expressed by the axiom: "A leader is in service to the needs of those she leads". Yet, followers are inspired by the vision of a leader. It is teamwork.

At the beginning of my journey as a Pro-Dom, seeking guidance, I had become a Shaman. I found much resonance between the altered states of BDSM endorphin play and Shamanic ritual, between my whips and the "Zen Master's cane".

Surrender and receptivity are necessary for Shaktipat.. and for D/s games. Surrendering to a Guru and to the Divine Beloved Within is common to Eastern philosophies, but is a hard concept to grasp, for most Westerners.

I finally concluded that there are no accidents, since I had not been awakening my clients deliberately, Goddess had been using me for Her own purposes. It was Goddess who told me to become a Pro-Dom, in the first place, and to spite my resistance, had systematically closed all other doors till it was my only option.

It seems Goddess had Her own motives, She had been leading men to me, by the penis for the purpose of their awakening. Whether someone becomes awakened or not, is not up to me. It is up to the Will of Goddess within them, the will of their own Higher Self. I did not do it, Goddess did it, through me. Unconscious on both sides. End of crisis.

My sweetie and I got a house together and I opened the plush playroom II and returned to work, occasional part-time.. specializing exclusively in working with clients who had a spiritual orientation to submission, and wanted to be awakened. Safe, sane, consensual.

Putting the concept of surrender to Divine Will, into a framework of sexual submission (slaves to Love). I used the models of Dominance and submission to express the process of surrendering Free Will to Divine Will, that is the fundamental imperative of Kundalini Mysticism.
    However, I burned out trying to explain it to all the non spiritual subs my advertising attracted. In November 1999 I paid for 4 weeks advertising in a local paper, and unplugged my phone after one week. My impatient reaction to the callers, and my own inner voice told me, it was time to completely retire as a Pro Dom... and I did.

A hard decision to make, being a pro-Dom was very, very good to me. I have absolutely no regrets. It has given me an education about human nature that money cannot buy. It fueled my spiritual growth, it gave me confidence in myself, in my own power that nothing else could. It paid my rent and put food on my table, while still allowing me free time for spiritual pursuits. It brought me to meet my wonderful husband.. abundant blessings.

I left the site up, because it has been a source of education and fulfillment to so many, over the years. I am retired as a Pro, but I remain an activist for sexual freedom.

I integrated my Spirituality and what I had learned from my time as a Pro-Dom, all the most useful information I had shared and learned on my lists, and as a Shaman into a Matrifocal Kundalini Tantra course I call Fire Serpent Tantra. It is the "middle path" between all these various influences.